LwEi’s World

just read through my own testimonials and concurrently recalled the recent interactions i’ve had with new and old frens alike. it really does appear that i’ve changed a fair bit and improved as a person generally, at least from their written and offhand comments and the way they act and talk ard me. i honestly hope and think so.

used to be way more reserved and quiet back then, and i often took onto myself the labels of loner and outcast and such. it din help that i was a natural law-breaker and non-conformist too, always getting on the wrong side of the DMs.  often felt i was different from others, who managed to establish friendships and bonds with ease and maneuver their way around small talk and social interaction adroitly, whilst my lack of confidence and feeling of inadequacy often failed me in these situations.

of course i had my frens, those whom i could hang out and have fun with, those whom i truly enjoyed being with, but even with them i never shared my inner tumultuous thoughts, only contributing to the conversations future aspirations, comments on current affairs, chitchat abt school matters and the latest happenings. mebbe i was bothered that they’d care little or even none, and i personally wanted to solve the issue within myself.

guess it was the knee ligament incident which realli changed tt part of me. tore it during my army BSLC training due to wear and tear and my natural flat-footedness, and it din help tt i also trained during the weekend out of my own volition.

during that phase in my life, physical fitness was cardinal and of utmost importance, and i plummeted from the skies to the depths from that instant onwards. when i could once compete with the best, now i could barely walk w/o wincing in pain. those 2 months were filled with jibes and condescension from some fellow trainees who perceived it as malingering. encouragement and support from my section mates and friends was abound, but it din do wonders to my ego and pride which were devastated to say the least.

had long, substantial conversations with my parents who offered me love, support and kindly advice, when most previous conversations were but mundane and perfunctory. tt’s when i realised it wasn’t so impt to maintain an inpregnable barrier ard oneself to give the impression of strength and resilience, but that opening up and being vulnerable to others in times of need is essential to achieve emotional balance, as well as to build truly meaningful relationships.

sometimes i feel it would just be great to be live forever in one’s comfort zone. always cognizant of what’s going on. always knowledgeable in all arenas within it. always confortable with the pple whom one allows entry into. always without fear of failure and rejection. it definitely would be a utopia for many out there who abhor never-ending changes and their impending implications and impacts on one’s daily life.

haha i guess i should know better than most others. i really spent too much time in la-la land before, preferring instead to read and sleep most of the time, going out with pple i had strong bonds with and much in common, participating only in sports and activities i was already amply proficient in, and engaging in mind-numbling activities like monotonous TV serials and video games (ok some are actually mentally-stimulating).

not that i’ve changed. nah. i’m still fearful of stepping out of my comfort zone. but at least i see the point in doing so and i’m willing to take the initial step out most of the time. i may have taken a longer time to understand this than many others, but then, better late than never. i’ll juz have to work harder on it than others i guess.

the more frequent and willing we are to step out of our comfort zone, the more adventurous and life-embracing we are, we’ll encounter more avenues in which to make mistakes. consequently, we’ll be less likely to encounter new ones as we age, and there’ll be less to learn the hard way later on in life. youth can simply be said as the best time to make all the mistakes we can and get them out of the way. i’m slowly but surely emerging from that stage, and that’s really a sad thing. haha!

it sure amuses me to no end that i’m actually being so enthusiastic abt logging onto friendster nowadays and checking out my new testis and who viewed me and such, esp when my initial purpose in creating an account was to satisfy the illogical needs of friends who found it cardinal to have me write a testimonial for them.

i sure din mind much tho, writing being a form of relaxation at times for me, but i certainly got slightly pissed when those same few pple din reciprocrate or even give a word of thanks for my effort. haha! now i’m doing the very same thing those irritating pple made me do a few years back. but i do try to return the favour la, of course.

testimonials have no apparent tangible benefit, yet i really view them as a valuable commodity nowadays. so that u know in black and white what ur frens think abt you? no, i can easily wring the information out of them via various means. so that u can have a false sense of superiority over others with less? nah i’d care less. hmm at least for me, i can’t get enuff of them, mebbe due to my perfectionistic nature and sense of aesthetics, as in more testis = more visually pleasing profile.

so do indulge my whims when i actually do start pestering you pple, yeah? haha!