juz as i wondered how the hell i would spend the maddeningly long 3 mths break a while back, it has turned out that a good thirdth of it has transpired. and i have to admit that it hasn’t exactly been a fruitful one. not that i know how to make it so, though. went out on dates and my myriad grps of neglected friends in the 1st week, and felt kinda bad that i had actually happily ignored them for the better part of the past year spent staying in hall. happily played computer games in the remaining part of the week given the fact that i haven’t played any in the past yr and wanted to make up for it in one furious concerted effort.
no more of these, i decided thereafter. guess too much of a good thing realli turns it stale after a while. and i somehow felt it was pointless playing online games and the such. feel it’s such a mindless (after the initial intensive reading up of FAQs,strategy guides and forums) activity to partake in. there’s negligible human contact involved and i seriously dun see how playing them will factor in my future life or improve my current life significantly save provide a convenient conversation topic with fellow gamers. furthermore, going out too much is an evident drain on the finances, what with my apathy towards expenditure and inclination to purchase whatever i want or feel i may need in the near future on a mere whim.
heard from different friends that i’m a over-meticulous a.k.a indecisive shopper as well as one without a fixed agenda. wells i have to factor in what i already have and the various combinations of attire before deciding on an item and not just whether it looks superb on its own. and the colour sure is important in order to express my mood for the day or rather to fit in the colour scheme of my room or whatsoever. and i realli get stuck on pharmaceutical stuff like toners or hair products cos i juz can’t help comparing the various prices, amts, mere aesthetic value or simply the novelty factor (as in whether i tried it before). the excel spreadsheet in my head juz gets more complicated with additional information provided and i had to go with gut feel sometimes to solve my horrible dilemma and relieve my friends of the horrendous watiting time. hell.
i digressed. this would have cost me a passing grade had it been a graded essay. so it’s a good thing it isn’t. hmm reminiscing abt the topic about graded essays, i realli put in quite a bit of effort into them back since secondary school. actively learning new words to better express my thoughts onto paper and trying to adopt good third-person narrative styles of various authors. and it was fortunate that i din have to worry abt grammar, spelling and other cardinal elements then. realli enjoyed writing fictional stuff and creating characters and enacting scenes back then. of course it helped that i knew that i’d merit above-par grades and favourable comments from the teacher as well as fellow peers after penning a reasonably good essay.
GP was a different ball game altogether and the freedom offered in JC wasn’t helpful at all. happily skipping classes for prata sessions and mugging at the library for other subjects ensured that i had insufficient knowledge to tackle most of the topics offered in the exams properly. always ended up gg for the philosophy-related questions which seemed to require the least knowledge. so my GP percentile ended up being extremely volatile depending on the philosophy topics offered, plummeting 90 percentiles once. the teacher was utterly wrong when she publicly mentioned that i was a very deep thinker cos in fact i had no choice but to attempt those questions due to a horrendous lack of knowledge in the typical ones like IT, education, and the such.
how very enjoyable. the mental journey through my past. the process of seeing it appear on the screen whilst my thoughts flow.
sometimes i do wonder whether the activities i actively engage in to occupy my holidays are simply a by-product of wanting to seem like i’m improving myself and actually having a life rather than for the purpose of self-improvement and passion for those activities. another question i constantly ask myself would be whether i have a passion for certain activities simply because i showed promise for them at the advent and received the most recognition in undergoing them.
i guess it’s more important to listen to ur heart (figuratively) as compared to writing a detailed cost-benefit analysis as to whether an activity is worth perpetuating. but then again in my case it often transpires that my natural emphasis on logic and perfectionism overpowers my wish to act according to my inner thoughts. there is still so much for me to learn and improve about myself before i commit myself to anyone else and i wonder when i’ll actually understand and accept myself for the person i am despite my many inadequacies.
i just cannot fathom why certain acquaintances (esp one i juz knew) can be so accepting and confident about themselves to the outside world when i personally and objectively (try to) feel they’re weaker than me in nearly every comparable aspect or arena. say knowledge about various issues, aesthetic appeal, athletic abilities, or simply observable skills like speaking or writing. i certainly feel i’m less than acceptable in what i’ve achieved thus far and that i dun deserve to be confident about myself. maybe it’s my own high expectations i fail to meet. or rather that i’ve been too subjective and that they’re actually more capable than me in all areas. but one thing that has to be noted is, i feel, is that external achievements cannot be factored into one’s self-worth, for the former may not reasonably be achieved given high expectations, and one may suffer a perpetual lack of confidence due to that.
wells back to the current. busy with courses encompassing cookery, bakery, bowling, dance, photography and guitar, as well as completing a variety of novels and books on various genres. throw in the daily swim/gym session, the occasional badminton game or social gathering, the twice-weekly meetings/projects to raise funds for charity a.k.a flag committee too. those and the fact that i’m also doing a special sem for a psychology module leads to most of my free time being occupied. and that’s excluding the planned overseas trip with my closest friends. would like to go for a diving trip and pick up golf too but have yet to find interested friends who possess the moolah.
it definitely sounds like i actually have a life but i truly feel something is missing. it’s as if i’m juz improving myself without a visible goal of what i truly want. i need to rekindle that spark of hope within me that was so very bright just not so long ago. i refuse to get into a relationship until i finally accept myself and deem myself worthy of the other party, yet the irony exists that the only times i felt so was when i was about to enter into a deeper commitment with the other parties. it’s all so complicated, and i sometimes wish i could just be a average, unthinking, content chump leading a life he perceives to be perfect and ideal.
juz came back from a casual bowling session and i cannot but happily mention that comments of praise and appreciation from a group of ladies seated behind me throughout half of my games and whom i barely knew were one of the incidents of pure joy and satisfaction throughout the entire hols. hm well maybe it was because they missed my earlier games with absymal scores of ard 160 and onli witnessed the last 3 with a (rarely) outstanding average of 200+ pinfalls. my coach once mentioned i had the most potential out of all his private students due to my athletic background; i seriously doubt i’ll be able to make it to the national squad ahead of all those kids who start training at tender ages, as compared to onli attending formal trainings for a month before i started uni last year. sad.
entering a salsa grading exercise next week at a in-house competition. it should be a different experience altogether, as compared to my other public group performances (a la JC Cheerleading, Rag and Chingay), cos the focus of the crowd will be on me and my allocated partner for that very few minutes. getting cold feet just thinking of it. forced myself to enrol despite my innate fears in hopes of discovering more about myself, and i’m sure that if it doesn’t kill me, the experience will definitely change me for the better.
hell, passing Level 1 will be easy given i onli have to perform 3 dance moves proficiently and display a good lead of my partner throughout but if i dun learn and inculcate a few additional variations to my routine i’ll look like a total newbie (which i am) who’s simply gg through the motions and also lose the chance to challenge myself to a higher extent.
realli. i sometimes wish i was happily attached to some similarly introverted gal who enjoys reading, meaningful chats, occasionally picking up a new activity we can happily participate in, and gg out together to do everything together, eventually getting married and have kids. and that none of it involves taking risks, pushing my limits and doubting my own capabilities, the onli downside being the occasional dispute over trivial matters or a disagreement in views. but that appears to be too utopian and would prove detrimental to my eventual success in the actual material world.
sometimes i wonder what it’ll take to make me happy from the depths of my heart. certainly you can be sufficiently happy and content with nought but participating in the activities you love and being with your closest friends and acquaintances from various settings, i believe. but i certainly don’t feel that way right now. just what do i need to do to simply… be truly satisfied with myself and the life i’m leading?
