LwEi’s World

7 Most Commonly-Used Utterances (in order of likely frequency):

1. mmm – used at regular intervals when the other party seems engaged in a monologue, usually as an assurance to her that you aren’t already asleep or engaged in other more interesting activities.

2. yeah – usage similar to that of above

3. mmm-hmm – used when a) the other party needs encouragement to speak what’s on her mind. b) when you don’t want to appear bored by grunting ‘mmm’s and ‘yeah’s all night long. c) when the other party suspects that u’re bored since it makes you sound more engaging than the typical grunt.

4. uh-huh – usage similar to that of the above but useful to add variety to the monologue such that you appear to be a better listener.

5. oh yeah – used to emphasise that you already heard that certain information from her at some point in time, thereby proving that you’re a good listener. Even more effective when coupled together with the details of the time and place she last said it to you. Saying it with a smile typically makes you sound more engaging.

6. hmm – used to give yourself an additional 2 seconds or so to give an opinion when she asks for it. Very useful in creating the impression that u’re thinking hard to offer a good solution or suggestion and buying time to do so. Minimizes the chance of long pauses and hence awkwardness in the conversation (or rather monologue).

7. (insert laughter) – used when she recounts an anecdote which is vaguely meant to sound amusing. Especially necessary to create the impression of similarity should that be one’s wish. Note: Fake-sounding laughter can be detrimental to the ensuing conversation.

Of course, a conversation cannot be made up of one party’s monologue and another party’s occasional utterances, so it is essential to stock up with longer phrases which seem to mean something but actually don’t, in the case that one is really tired and no longer able to think of anything meaningful. Examples include :

1. I totally agree with your point of view/ perspective/ where you’re coming from.

2. Wow, that was really insightful. I wouldn’t have thought of that myself.

3. Really? I couldn’t agree with you more.

4. I totally can’t believe he did that to you! (fake hysterical tone)

5. For better effect in using the above, use them after rephrasing her previous statement, thereby proving that you’re not blindly saying things you committed to memory. Note: Using the above statements wrongly in response may again be detrimental to the conversation.

From personal experience and other’s recounting of their own, I have realized that guys typically lie on their side of the bed and try to catch some winks during monologues, such that it isn’t totally a waste of time. However it may not be effective when it occurs during your alert hours. Thereby it is important to control the timing of phone conversations such that it fits your sleeping hours.

In the case where the above is not possible, most guys tend to want to multitask. Note the use of the ‘want to’ in the previous sentence. Most of them simply can’t. I have since abandoned trying to chat online and on the phone at the same time, for somehow the other party always senses that I’m trying to make full use of my time and am not giving her full attention. Watching TV at low volume is only fine when you’re not required to participate much in the conversation. My personal favourite is mindless yet productive activities like working out with my dumbbells and such.

However, in cases where the other party gives you stuff like ‘helllooo?’ or ‘are you listening?’ or a diplomatic ‘are you feeling tired/sleepy?’, it is evident that one’s got to focus on the task at hand for at least 10 minutes. After which, one can continue with whatever you were doing prior to that.

But lest anyone who’s spoken to me on the phone is reading this, I would like to emphasise that this is by no means the norm. Usually I’m quite happy to accommodate/ listen to other’s problems, being a strong believer in karma, and one whom has been fortunate enough to have dear friends to offer a listening ear to in times of need. They lifted me up from inexplicable depths when I was really emotionally down or lonely, and now I realize the need to reciprocrate and continue the cycle of mutual support and help.

Of course, it’s not all about the noble causes and such, being a rational person and such who doesn’t sit staring at the phone all the time hoping for it to ring. I really enjoy listening to stories and recounted experiences, and talking to certain people about anything under the sun. Even in those cases, I do use the phrases and such mentioned above, but with emotions attached to them, and with a feeling of connectivity with the other party. The difference may be minute for most people, but I do believe that those I consider friends understand where I’m coming from.

Do believe me when I say I’m truly listening and care about what you’re feeling, for I don’t lie, not even on the phone. I’m quite incapable of the latter, by the way J