LwEi’s World

Recently perused a newspaper article bemoaning the falling standards of spelling nowadays, though I highly believe it was largely due to the spelling-clueless Caldecott Hill artistes portrayed on the new Channel 5 programme, Spellcast, which led to that unfounded conclusion.

So I sat through the entire episode of Spellcast in hopes of debunking the unsolicited views of that particular columnist. The “fill in the missing letter” segment was a breeze, so was the “3 words choose 1”’s. But the part where one had to spell out verbally the words pronounced was tricky, even with the accompanying definitions thrown in to aid in the process.

I seriously doubt I could have beaten those kids if I were their age. You really have to feel for those kids, having to handle the stressful conditions of a live audience and whatnot at such a tender, impressionable age.

Results: I got 1 wrong. The host pronounced ‘squa-lour’ and gave the accompanying definition, and before I could decide whether it had a ‘u’ at the back the dumb kid had already answered. Damn.

But that niggling fact aside, I somewhat feel the standards of English are not up to par nowadays. Cannot but initiate conversations with people on msn whose nicks contain some apparent spelling or grammatical errors simply to correct them, to the extent that it’s become somewhat of a joke that if anyone wants me to chat to him/her, they just have to insert a simple mistake into their nicks.

Now that’s interesting.

juz as i wondered how the hell i would spend the maddeningly long 3 mths break a while back, it has turned out that a good thirdth of it has transpired. and i have to admit that it hasn’t exactly been a fruitful one. not that i know how to make it so, though. went out on dates and my myriad grps of neglected friends in the 1st week, and felt kinda bad that i had actually happily ignored them for the better part of the past year spent staying in hall. happily played computer games in the remaining part of the week given the fact that i haven’t played any in the past yr and wanted to make up for it in one furious concerted effort.

no more of these, i decided thereafter. guess too much of a good thing realli turns it stale after a while. and i somehow felt it was pointless playing online games and the such. feel it’s such a mindless (after the initial intensive reading up of FAQs,strategy guides and forums) activity to partake in. there’s negligible human contact involved and i seriously dun see how playing them will factor in my future life or improve my current life significantly save provide a convenient conversation topic with fellow gamers. furthermore, going out too much is an evident drain on the finances, what with my apathy towards expenditure and inclination to purchase whatever i want or feel i may need in the near future on a mere whim.

heard from different friends that i’m a over-meticulous a.k.a indecisive shopper as well as one without a fixed agenda. wells i have to factor in what i already have and the various combinations of attire before deciding on an item and not just whether it looks superb on its own. and the colour sure is important in order to express my mood for the day or rather to fit in the colour scheme of my room or whatsoever. and i realli get stuck on pharmaceutical stuff like toners or hair products cos i juz can’t help comparing the various prices, amts, mere aesthetic value or simply the novelty factor (as in whether i tried it before). the excel spreadsheet in my head juz gets more complicated with additional information provided and i had to go with gut feel sometimes to solve my horrible dilemma and relieve my friends of the horrendous watiting time. hell.

i digressed. this would have cost me a passing grade had it been a graded essay. so it’s a good thing it isn’t. hmm reminiscing abt the topic about graded essays, i realli put in quite a bit of effort into them back since secondary school. actively learning new words to better express my thoughts onto paper and trying to adopt good third-person narrative styles of various authors. and it was fortunate that i din have to worry abt grammar, spelling and other cardinal elements then. realli enjoyed writing fictional stuff and creating characters and enacting scenes back then. of course it helped that i knew that i’d merit above-par grades and favourable comments from the teacher as well as fellow peers after penning a reasonably good essay.

GP was a different ball game altogether and the freedom offered in JC wasn’t helpful at all. happily skipping classes for prata sessions and mugging at the library for other subjects ensured that i had insufficient knowledge to tackle most of the topics offered in the exams properly. always ended up gg for the philosophy-related questions which seemed to require the least knowledge. so my GP percentile ended up being extremely volatile depending on the philosophy topics offered, plummeting 90 percentiles once. the teacher was utterly wrong when she publicly mentioned that i was a very deep thinker cos in fact i had no choice but to attempt those questions due to a horrendous lack of knowledge in the typical ones like IT, education, and the such.

how very enjoyable. the mental journey through my past. the process of seeing it appear on the screen whilst my thoughts flow.

sometimes i do wonder whether the activities i actively engage in to occupy my holidays are simply a by-product of wanting to seem like i’m improving myself and actually having a life rather than for the purpose of self-improvement and passion for those activities. another question i constantly ask myself would be whether i have a passion for certain activities simply because i showed promise for them at the advent and received the most recognition in undergoing them.

i guess it’s more important to listen to ur heart (figuratively) as compared to writing a detailed cost-benefit analysis as to whether an activity is worth perpetuating. but then again in my case it often transpires that my natural emphasis on logic and perfectionism overpowers my wish to act according to my inner thoughts. there is still so much for me to learn and improve about myself before i commit myself to anyone else and i wonder when i’ll actually understand and accept myself for the person i am despite my many inadequacies.

i just cannot fathom why certain acquaintances (esp one i juz knew) can be so accepting and confident about themselves to the outside world when i personally and objectively (try to) feel they’re weaker than me in nearly every comparable aspect or arena. say knowledge about various issues, aesthetic appeal, athletic abilities, or simply observable skills like speaking or writing. i certainly feel i’m less than acceptable in what i’ve achieved thus far and that i dun deserve to be confident about myself. maybe it’s my own high expectations i fail to meet. or rather that i’ve been too subjective and that they’re actually more capable than me in all areas. but one thing that has to be noted is, i feel, is that external achievements cannot be factored into one’s self-worth, for the former may not reasonably be achieved given high expectations, and one may suffer a perpetual lack of confidence due to that.

wells back to the current. busy with courses encompassing cookery, bakery, bowling, dance, photography and guitar, as well as completing a variety of novels and books on various genres. throw in the daily swim/gym session, the occasional badminton game or social gathering, the twice-weekly meetings/projects to raise funds for charity a.k.a flag committee too. those and the fact that i’m also doing a special sem for a psychology module leads to most of my free time being occupied. and that’s excluding the planned overseas trip with my closest friends. would like to go for a diving trip and pick up golf too but have yet to find interested friends who possess the moolah.

it definitely sounds like i actually have a life but i truly feel something is missing. it’s as if i’m juz improving myself without a visible goal of what i truly want. i need to rekindle that spark of hope within me that was so very bright just not so long ago. i refuse to get into a relationship until i finally accept myself and deem myself worthy of the other party, yet the irony exists that the only times i felt so was when i was about to enter into a deeper commitment with the other parties. it’s all so complicated, and i sometimes wish i could just be a average, unthinking, content chump leading a life he perceives to be perfect and ideal.

juz came back from a casual bowling session and i cannot but happily mention that comments of praise and appreciation from a group of ladies seated behind me throughout half of my games and whom i barely knew were one of the incidents of pure joy and satisfaction throughout the entire hols. hm well maybe it was because they missed my earlier games with absymal scores of ard 160 and onli witnessed the last 3 with a (rarely) outstanding average of 200+ pinfalls. my coach once mentioned i had the most potential out of all his private students due to my athletic background; i seriously doubt i’ll be able to make it to the national squad ahead of all those kids who start training at tender ages, as compared to onli attending formal trainings for a month before i started uni last year. sad.

entering a salsa grading exercise next week at a in-house competition. it should be a different experience altogether, as compared to my other public group performances (a la JC Cheerleading, Rag and Chingay), cos the focus of the crowd will be on me and my allocated partner for that very few minutes. getting cold feet just thinking of it. forced myself to enrol despite my innate fears in hopes of discovering more about myself, and i’m sure that if it doesn’t kill me, the experience will definitely change me for the better.

hell, passing Level 1 will be easy given i onli have to perform 3 dance moves proficiently and display a good lead of my partner throughout but if i dun learn and inculcate a few additional variations to my routine i’ll look like a total newbie (which i am) who’s simply gg through the motions and also lose the chance to challenge myself to a higher extent.

realli. i sometimes wish i was happily attached to some similarly introverted gal who enjoys reading, meaningful chats, occasionally picking up a new activity we can happily participate in, and gg out together to do everything together, eventually getting married and have kids. and that none of it involves taking risks, pushing my limits and doubting my own capabilities, the onli downside being the occasional dispute over trivial matters or a disagreement in views. but that appears to be too utopian and would prove detrimental to my eventual success in the actual material world.

sometimes i wonder what it’ll take to make me happy from the depths of my heart. certainly you can be sufficiently happy and content with nought but participating in the activities you love and being with your closest friends and acquaintances from various settings, i believe. but i certainly don’t feel that way right now. just what do i need to do to simply… be truly satisfied with myself and the life i’m leading?

Sat through the screening of the abovementioned movie in recent times, and was left pondering over the surreal concept of a 200-pound beauty. It’s inexplicable that such a statistical monstrosity could be deemed aesthetically pleasing.

But then again, it may not be totally implausible either. A 2.25m tall monstrosi… I  mean lady weighing 200 pounds would yield a BMI of around 18.0 which is roughly that of a typical 1.70m / 50.0kg runway model. Another possible situation is that her bones are laced with adamantium a la Wolverine, which has approximately 3.14 times the density of the typical humanoid bone, thereby effectively increasing her actual weight by around 2.07 times, before which would also yield a svelte-implying BMI of around 17.2 given a height of 1.60m.

All figures above are given to 3 significant figures, by the way.

There were some moments in the movie which struck me as especially debatable, such as the awkward gait / obvious insecurity of the post-surgery Hanna in a particular clubbing scene. Linking it with Gwyneth Paltrow’s past complaints about being given sub-par service at a New York nightclub whilst wearing her Shallow Hal fat-suit, one wonders if less attractive individuals are discriminated against and hence develop insecurity issues as a result.

For the former, a recent Straits Times article confirmed the hypothesis, an excerpt stating that similar resumes with / without makeover shots attached received significantly different number of favourable replies. Add that to past articles on verdicts of juries being more lenient to comparatively attractive criminals, as well as those stating that individuals ranked as being more attractive by their peers command higher salaries, and it is perceptible to most that looks, however superficial it sounds, are prone to discrimination.

Pertaining to insecurity issues, it is purely up to the individual’s perceived importance on the various factors determining success and hence a sense of self-value, as well as his/her levels of achievement in these areas. However, it is plausible that unconscious discrimination based on looks by individuals surrounding oneself also contributes to this, however insignificant.

Picture the very common scenario of guys hitting on the hottest gals in clubs without regard for the latter’s less attractive female friends. I can imagine the self-esteem of those pathe… I mean less noticeable ladies after countless such encounters. Well, I do know male friends who do otherwise, but then again it’s less of a conscious choice than a ploy to eventually ingratiate themselves to again, the hottest ladies.

Was just browsing through stevenlim.net (yes he’s the yellow brief guy on SI) after being reminded of it again via an article in Digital Life. Went through the hilarious BHB clips once again and his blog entries (one of which interestingly deemed the ambience at Suntec KFC romantic). He’s the classic example of a person whose self-esteem ballooned after his successful weight-gaining programme and Lasik surgery and whatever looks-enhancing procedure. Apparently people started treating him differently after that, leading to him writing self-help books, entering SI, setting up a self-named website proclaiming his omnipotence and such.

I should think that confidence and improved self-esteem stemming from an improvement in appearance alone is far from lasting. Losing a considerable 8kgs in 2 weeks aside from a change in hairstyle and a wardrobe upheaval a year back did wonders to my approach to various situations positively, but I periodically had doubts about myself after the initial high wore off. My perfectionist nature simply refused to allow me to feel good about myself for long.

I seriously doubt I’d ever go through it willingly without the appropriate emotional stimulus again though. Breakfast: noodle soup. Lunch: fruit. Tea: instant soup. Dinner: boiled/steamed meat and veggies. Add that to a gruelling exercise regime of exercises before and after sleep, an additional hour of intensive swimming before lunch and another hour of gym before dinner. Pure hell indeed. Think it’s perfectly disputable that my meteoric rise in self-esteem could be attributed more to the fact that I actually kept it up for 3 weeks as compared to the tremendous improvement in my physical appearance.

But enough about the aesthetic aspect of life.

Perusing through an acquaintance’s blog has made me averse to penning another entry for quite a while. It has been unduly disconcerting to be made aware of your own limitations in writing. Especially since improvement at this stage would entail huge opportunity costs in terms of alternate activities forgone. Not to mention the sheer difficulty of lifting one’s language ability up that seemingly tiny notch.

Sometimes I wonder if one’s flair for writing is innate, and further cultivated and refined through sheer love of the literal word. Or is it simply drilled into one since young through numerous experiences with grandiose vocabulary and phrases, repetitive grammar and punctuation practices, not to mention conscious exposure to and analysis of acclaimed literal works? Perhaps it’s a mixture of the both.

However one has to consider priorities when encountered with a situation like this. It would be inexplicable for me to delve into research and in-depth thought about the myriad techniques to improve in this aspect when I’m so deeply entrenched and bogged up in the kaleidoscopic world of academia and mundane social dealings surrounding me. The sense of conforming to its expectations in hope of evident success and acceptance is all-pervading indeed.

It is understandable hence that my level of writing would have to remain thus for a long while, given my imposed commitments. And totally unacceptable if I should cease the incessant ramblings about my thoughts, just because I felt doing so would expose my supposed weakness to others’ attention. I value the process of writing too much to be discouraged by the accompanying apprehension of backlash and criticism.

Pertaining to the issue of self-consciousness of one’s Achilles’ heel(s), I cannot help but find fault with those male acquaintances of mine who list self-consciousness as their main gripe for not being able to participate in activities which involve stripping down to the bare essentials. Say swimming. I simply cannot fathom why others would actually bother to look or comment at a body far from perfection. As such, the former’s fears can be sufficiently allayed, to say the least.

Have always felt strongly about the male physique, and that it should never be far from being lean and toned, notwithstanding the prime specimens of the sporting arena who require an alternate build to further their ambitions in their various disciplines, nor those with severe innate physical limitations. Lack of a sufficient level of build definition simply spells mental weakness, a lack of discipline, and a severe shortage of self-restraint.

Appearance does not define the person, but it certainly shows how much pride he takes in himself and the activities he partakes in, not to mention the likely correspondence with that of his level of achievement in other fields. It serves as a precursor to conversation in most cases, and is an adequate indicator of the person’s true self. Definitely there is a significant level of fallibility involved in solely placing emphasis on it, however, its importance cannot be undermined nor overlooked in today’s world.

It really is a curse to be shy. Especially if you are a guy. Even more so if you do not wish your acquired nature to be known to others. Often in the quest to hide the awkwardness and fearfulness in approaching conversations and social situations, the Shy would tend to try too hard, either giving the impression that he is too willing to compromise and please, or worse still, that he is overbearing and arrogant.

The situation worsens when the Shy neglects to put up the mask he carefully constructs in daily life in certain situations. This would likely lead people to suspect his true nature and accuse him of deceiving others of who he really is. But little do they know that should the Shys do what they feel they are comfortable with, they would likely end up social recluses, social interactions being too daunting for them in many aspects.

Friendships often tend to be fleeting for Shys. It is understandable that their friends should accept one them for who they are. But often the person they knew in the first place is radically different from the shy person they later come to know more personally. This naturally leads to the formation of a vicious cycle, which contributes to the Shy being disillusioned with social life in general.

There also exists the issue of personal guilt. Even though Shys know that it is wrong to deceive others, however subconsciously, of their true nature, and put up a confident and warm front, they know all too well that being quiet and withdrawn would do little help to expand their social circle and the fulfilling of their emotional needs.

What little they can hope for is that someday, they finally manage to find someone who would truly appreciate them for the innate qualities that they possess.

my resolutions for uni life were to do well in my studies, make lasting friendships and be proficient in new arenas. feel rather despondent to mention that i have achieved none of the above thus far in my 3 months here.

mebbe i can’t say for sure tho, cos it’s near to impossible to determine whether a friendship will last, nor does one become sufficiently acquainted in a skill to be deemed proficient in such a short period of time. however the studies part… i am damn sure of it.

my being a scholar recently hasn’t done much to change my perspective of academic life. i still maintain that my stand of having fun then working hard when the time arises is valid, despite my friends’ violent protests. ok. mebbe i know my stand is rubbish. but having fun is well… fun.

find it fascinating that i choose to nap, chat on msn, hang out in a friend’s room or read my newspapers when i have tutorials or assignments to be handed up the next day. more so when i forego going for lessons just to perpetuate the above. i muz be one of the most non-academically inclined scholars ever.

as a result i’m like ard 3 weeks behind in my academic progress in terms of lectures and tutorials. not a pretty fact considering it’s only Week 5. mathematically it juz means i’ve been spending 60% of the time the average student spends studying on inconsequential stuff like mebbe… msn-ing and sleeping?

juz emerged from a tiring 48 hour marathon in rushing my assignments and tutorials before the actual deadlines. been surviving on 1/2 hr naps every 4 hrs or so. consumed for the 1st time voluntarily my supply of chicken essence which gave me at the very least a psychological boost temporarily.

for the 1st time in my life i realli want to experience what a typical student undergoes, that is, attend conscientiously the majority of lectures and tutorials, submit assignments before deadlines and put in constant revision time. it sure was easy getting my 6 pts and straight As for the O’s and A’s resp., but uni.. it is palpably a different ball game altogether, what with the CAPs in every semester being equally important.

.

time to wake up.

I get depressed real easily. Be it a simple error during training, a careless mistake during exams or a slip of tongue during interviews, I’ll dwell over it unnecessarily for prolonged periods of time in which I am pensive and contemplative and generally un-talkable to. Even though I know it’s pointless to go to such an extent, it’s rather futile to prevent or even assuage the situation.

Sometimes when my mind isn’t occupied by the matters at hand, I tend to think back to the times when I made an error or spoke the wrong words and enter a mini state of depression, as observed by close friends who often comment about my sudden change in facial expression and general mood.

The situation is aggravated when I enter into the world of really liking and wanting to know a certain someone. Her every action dictates my emotions and feelings, and a simple act of ignorance or disapproval can leave me contemplating about my possible shortcomings or mistakes for ages.

I guess it’s obvious to others when I think I’ve met that special one, simply because of my extreme mood swings from time to time, my incessant need to talk and discuss about relationship matters and my progress with a certain girl, and my palpable increase in motivation in performing my tasks and in life in general.

I seldom hesitate to initiate new friendships, sometimes to the extent of misleading others that I’m interested in something more. It simply happens that I take too much time considering whether we would be appropriate or whether she takes me as a mere good friend, therefore neglecting the process of communicating to and understanding her better. When I actually decide on pursuing someone, it always occurs that she has evidently lost interest in progressing to the next stage.

It always occurs that the girls I come into close contact with are capable, confident individuals with a clear vision of their future, as well as passionate and proficient in their chosen disciplines. Those obviously come with numerous eligible suitors and to establish a relationship with them definitely requires sufficient interest on their part, for I do not believe that a relationship built on a single party’s effort alone will work out in the end, and rarely go to the steep extent of incessantly pursuing the girl in question.

just read through my own testimonials and concurrently recalled the recent interactions i’ve had with new and old frens alike. it really does appear that i’ve changed a fair bit and improved as a person generally, at least from their written and offhand comments and the way they act and talk ard me. i honestly hope and think so.

used to be way more reserved and quiet back then, and i often took onto myself the labels of loner and outcast and such. it din help that i was a natural law-breaker and non-conformist too, always getting on the wrong side of the DMs.  often felt i was different from others, who managed to establish friendships and bonds with ease and maneuver their way around small talk and social interaction adroitly, whilst my lack of confidence and feeling of inadequacy often failed me in these situations.

of course i had my frens, those whom i could hang out and have fun with, those whom i truly enjoyed being with, but even with them i never shared my inner tumultuous thoughts, only contributing to the conversations future aspirations, comments on current affairs, chitchat abt school matters and the latest happenings. mebbe i was bothered that they’d care little or even none, and i personally wanted to solve the issue within myself.

guess it was the knee ligament incident which realli changed tt part of me. tore it during my army BSLC training due to wear and tear and my natural flat-footedness, and it din help tt i also trained during the weekend out of my own volition.

during that phase in my life, physical fitness was cardinal and of utmost importance, and i plummeted from the skies to the depths from that instant onwards. when i could once compete with the best, now i could barely walk w/o wincing in pain. those 2 months were filled with jibes and condescension from some fellow trainees who perceived it as malingering. encouragement and support from my section mates and friends was abound, but it din do wonders to my ego and pride which were devastated to say the least.

had long, substantial conversations with my parents who offered me love, support and kindly advice, when most previous conversations were but mundane and perfunctory. tt’s when i realised it wasn’t so impt to maintain an inpregnable barrier ard oneself to give the impression of strength and resilience, but that opening up and being vulnerable to others in times of need is essential to achieve emotional balance, as well as to build truly meaningful relationships.

sometimes i feel it would just be great to be live forever in one’s comfort zone. always cognizant of what’s going on. always knowledgeable in all arenas within it. always confortable with the pple whom one allows entry into. always without fear of failure and rejection. it definitely would be a utopia for many out there who abhor never-ending changes and their impending implications and impacts on one’s daily life.

haha i guess i should know better than most others. i really spent too much time in la-la land before, preferring instead to read and sleep most of the time, going out with pple i had strong bonds with and much in common, participating only in sports and activities i was already amply proficient in, and engaging in mind-numbling activities like monotonous TV serials and video games (ok some are actually mentally-stimulating).

not that i’ve changed. nah. i’m still fearful of stepping out of my comfort zone. but at least i see the point in doing so and i’m willing to take the initial step out most of the time. i may have taken a longer time to understand this than many others, but then, better late than never. i’ll juz have to work harder on it than others i guess.

the more frequent and willing we are to step out of our comfort zone, the more adventurous and life-embracing we are, we’ll encounter more avenues in which to make mistakes. consequently, we’ll be less likely to encounter new ones as we age, and there’ll be less to learn the hard way later on in life. youth can simply be said as the best time to make all the mistakes we can and get them out of the way. i’m slowly but surely emerging from that stage, and that’s really a sad thing. haha!

it sure amuses me to no end that i’m actually being so enthusiastic abt logging onto friendster nowadays and checking out my new testis and who viewed me and such, esp when my initial purpose in creating an account was to satisfy the illogical needs of friends who found it cardinal to have me write a testimonial for them.

i sure din mind much tho, writing being a form of relaxation at times for me, but i certainly got slightly pissed when those same few pple din reciprocrate or even give a word of thanks for my effort. haha! now i’m doing the very same thing those irritating pple made me do a few years back. but i do try to return the favour la, of course.

testimonials have no apparent tangible benefit, yet i really view them as a valuable commodity nowadays. so that u know in black and white what ur frens think abt you? no, i can easily wring the information out of them via various means. so that u can have a false sense of superiority over others with less? nah i’d care less. hmm at least for me, i can’t get enuff of them, mebbe due to my perfectionistic nature and sense of aesthetics, as in more testis = more visually pleasing profile.

so do indulge my whims when i actually do start pestering you pple, yeah? haha!